disintegrate

rate

everyday i woke up feeling guilty for hating you,

you never failed to remind me why.

no wonder i still feel the same way for you for n years.

hi earth creatures! it's been a while since i had a proper post.

and no, this isn't going to be a proper post either.

but rather, some self talk to make sure i remember what the damn had i been doing for the past few months.

i have been feeling extremely low, judging by the posts i typed for the past months, and after reading New Moon and Twilight, it made me think hard. about my social circle, my relationship, my wants, my needs, my desire.

i have been like a zombie like what Bella was, but for not the same reason entirely, of course.

and while showering, it hit me hard that i really missed doing alot of things.

i missed hitting the beach, going for a swim, accepting impromptu decisions and hanging out with my loves.

it hit me hard, and made me realized with horror while not able to enjoy showering.

why, why had i become like this? i know myself clearly that i have never been like that, my colors being a dark shade of grey.

so why, had i stoop to this level? it really felt horrible, so horrible that i might feel the same way Bella felt, only hers might be 10x worse than mine.

i wonder what made my life became so dull once again, cause i know that if i hadn't been in a relationship, i would prolly go ahead and try bungee jumping or something of that sort *smirks*

then again, i'm not blaming the relationship i had. seriously, i'm not putting blame on anyone but myself i guess.

it's going to be a brand new year ahead, i don't want to bring this stupid feeling over and continue like this.

a new year is starting soon, and all my loved ones are not going to have more time spent with me anymore.

i ought to find something to occupy myself, so i don't have to dwell so much and become aunty grudge.

there's so many things i wish to do, i wish to buy, but restricted by so many things in so many ways.

how more grey can my life be?

hmm, maybe i really should try bungee jumping, to spice up my life a lill. or prolly learn driving/riding. but till then, i'll need to save up money to do all these.

ps: listening to bella's lullaby in youtube makes me feel so sad.

pps: everytime i hear minor based rhythm, i always feel sad. so pardon me for being ridiculous.

pps: i still hate fyp, and reading Twilight + New Moon totally made me forgotten about my report + design for poster. oh god.

hello world,

i just came back from chalet not long ago.

chalet was very enjoyable, with cousins and their other half being so fun and everything (:

no pictures were taken thanks to my spoilt cam.

i promise to update something good soon, but before that let me sort out my mind.

i know it's really unhealthy for me to be dwelling into something like this, it's totally pointless.

like a friend mentioned, why waste time on those things when they are not worth your time? there's alot more things for you to look out for, for you to try and experience.

furthermore, we're at the peak of our youth now, so stop wasting time and wake up xy.

so, i decided to make my life more eventful after next week. (:

yaya, i'm procrastinating again. but hey, school work needs to get it done first right?

ps: i now understand why i felt Edward Cullen so attractive. the way he treats Bella, omgzxz. *daydreams

after sorting out a zillion pictures inside my thumbdrive, i realized that i have alot of events yet to be updated. omgzxxz. the worse thing is, this laptop always jam whenever i tried to upload pictures. it's probably not friendly towards safari users :/. ah wth.

i'll try to update them asap, prolly by tmr. (you wish!)

till then, have an enjoyable christmas celebration people :D

ps: i need to send my camera for repair soon. oh my dear camera, be repairable, or not i'm gonna change you!

facebook has made me lose the interest to update my blog with pictures; but since i promised myself to compile the expired pictures, i will do it. prolly tmr. :D

wait for happy posts my loves! (: photos might repeat from facebook, but hey, it's the pictures that makes my blog alive right? :D

as for now, i'll quietly do my report.

neglect -- a very powerful action yet easily forgotten by people when they're doing it.

people usually neglect the people that's usually closest to them; because subconsciously they might think that since they've already gotten hold of it, there's not much need to put an effort into. instead, they'll turn their attention to their new found friends/lovers/affairs/what not, and slowly spending lesser and lesser time. but when they are about to lose their closed ones, they tend to realize it and try to salvage by putting their main focus on them, which by then, in turn neglecting the new found friends/lovers/affairs/what not, making them feel unwanted and utterly neglected like how the closed ones might felt before.

so how do you make sure you get to spend time with the people whom you think it's worth treasuring? and how about those new found friends, how do you make sure they're not just any short-term-friendship which slowly degenerates to hi-bye-friend or even worse, total strangers yet again?

of course, people should never be greedy to think that there should be a best of both worlds, but i find that people with new found friends will always neglect them in the end, thinking that their closed ones are the ones worth keeping, only to realize that maybe, just maybe, the new found ones might just ended be one of your closes one?

then again, i've never met this kind of people with this thinking before, the most recent ones i met are those that really gives you false hope and what not just to be kind and all, only to turn out that it's all a bubble that pops out when a needle is poked.

think about those new found ones' feeling when you chucked them aside after "using" them to spend time together while your loved ones are busy or perhaps, even neglecting you, and going back to them after they're not busy anymore; what if you're the one being treated that way, how would you feel if you think that that person might just be someone worth keeping, but they just wouldn't give you the chance to?

i believe that karma always exist; that god (of whichever religion you're comfortable with) is very fair, that they will always give you something in return if you met with something bad. then again, i've never gotten anything nice back after meeting so many unfortunate things in my life. *shrugs*

so, take your time to think about this: how often have you neglected people, and how often have you been neglected by people, and how does it feel to be having either/both occurring?

some sad realization; i have been seeing my smelly locker and colleagues more than i see you.

we seem to spend more time ________ more than _____.

your free days were never for me; and neither were mine.

i have been feeling extremely neglected, by people of all forms lately.

thanks for the gathering today babes, it made me feel like a happy pretty princess after all these unfortunate series of events.

i might be switching places to blog soon.. not everything should be shown to everyone after all, right?

alright, it's 2.30am now, i ought to smack myself out so that i can sleep and get up on time for the inhumane full shift work.

ps: this post is not pinpointing to anyone. but if you have some guilt to it, then serves you right. NEH NI NEH NI POO POO!

had a lill shopping session with amy ♥ earlier, combed high and low for my chosen theme, only to find a somewhat decent top; not exactly the type i first thought of, but hey, better than nothing right?

fell asleep at 12 and woke up at a really unbelievable time; 5.45am.

while shopping, i realized that i wanted so many things, only to realize i might not want them at all; how contradicting.

look at the time now, it's 8am. time for me to lift my butt to prepare and grab a bite. i'm awfully hungry.

HELLO GFS I'M FINALLY MEETING UP WITH ALL OF YOU LIKE AFTER 3568593 YEARS! :D

let's eat till we puke later and still look gorgeous! :D

ps: i still wanna shop.
pps: bobby toong where are you?
ppps: i don't like fyp anymore.

insomnia caught up with me once again.

and because of this, i'm having random thoughts once more.

a few slight unhappy events has been rolling into my life, making me facing the same old problems that i thought i can avoid it.

many things which i never get to know it; many things which i will never get to know it.

why are there some people who just doesn't treasure their friendship and perhaps taking it for granted, only treasuring SOME of them while totally ignoring the rest. how good is that to other people? it only makes a clique forms more small cliques.

of course, hanging out with people you're more comfortable with is a natural thing to do, but that doesn't mean you can't treasure the rest as much as you did to them just because you're not as comfy as those some right?

a chat with someone made me realize why do some people feel that way; and it's really saddening. why can some people be so mean? just because you think they're not worth deserving you doesn't mean you can't let them have the chance to, right? and usually people who doesn't let them have the chance to it's due to the misunderstandings they had for one another. so if one doesn't wish to open up and accept for who he/she is, then why do you still act nice with them? urgh.

and why, why oh why, after the years, can we still not get to an agreement with most of the things?

you dislike what i liked to do and don't allow me to do it, while i supported you fully with the things you liked to do, even though i may disliked it.

so why, why, why, can you not accept what i like too? how is this going to continue if this problem were to keep continuing?

changes. what are changes? do you change what we agreed on? or do you change the meaning of change, like what you mentioned?

so many things occurring that made me wanted to give up and throw everything away.

but can i really do it?

no, i can't. cause the feeling is too strong to detach it away.

but it's equally tiring if the other party is the one having the problem and not willing to budge and make changes.

do you give up at this point of time?

problems between human and human.

friends and relationships.

love and hate.

stagnant and moving on.

giving up and letting go.

i'm too stubborn and persistent to want to give things up.

but i'm really, really tired.

of all days i get to be free; i've gotten way too free.
but on the days i'm really jammed-packed, i'm really too jammed to squeeze any other activities in.

frustration thoughts stayed in like a permanent resident, and happy thoughts seemed to be hiding somewhere inside the storeroom in my brain and locking itself up.

hello, time to get out! i need you ):
--

went to IT fair on a sunday to grab the cool deals with family.
of course, i was the one asking for enquiries and making the deal.
it was crazily crowded like a tin tuna can where the fishes were packed to the brim. indians screaming for offers beside one another, pointing at me to make a deal, chinese using microphones to compete with the noise level selling the cheeeap cheeap norton antivirus programme, samsung and sony TVs and what not.
even the road was crowded with parked cars. everyone parked as near as possible to Expo, and it got as stretched as to my dad's workplace nearby, even to the place i used to work when packing for HP laptops.
luckily dad worked REALLY nearby, and saved the hassle to find parking lots; cause he just went in his company and parked.
nevertheless, it was a pretty happy day cos i got what i needed! (:

headed down to changi village for an early dinner and it was extremely sinful; seafood was the deal, and stomach was the seal.
pictures were mainly taken after meal and strolling was done at the changi beach, where my sister insisted that there's human finger bones buried beneath the grounds people walked, lied, ran and played on.

first of all, let me introduce to you, my dad.
i never knew my dad can be such a clown! no wonder i'm better at making goofy faces than having a pretty face. HAHAHAA.

the sinful food we ate, with the folks paying.

everytime i turn around and saw this old man sitting by the tree staring at the evening sky, i can't help but to think of "qian xian zui zong" that show where they show this scene and talk about how old is he, living alone and what not.

some random shots with my brother-to-be sister. wait, i think he's already brother when taking photos with me!

grandma praying with dad after dinner with my sister/brother photobombing.

sister/brother-with-a-stupid-hairstyle-that-looks-like-a-bird-nest: "eh looks like dildo!" ...???

the poor fishes that got hooked and died.

yes don't complain, i AM taking scenic photos again. NICE WHAT. NO?!

"eh eh, look here!"

"wah lau. lao bei ah smile leh." dad: "your camera drop then you know!"

dad: "keep back your camera la! @!#$%^"

come on bro, you're not pole-dancing. you look more like pole-peeing :@

yes flood you all to death with my scenic photos!!

some guy trying to fish; looks more like he's gonna drown any minute if there's a big wave.

hello dad, trying to act emo like those korean dramas? mama still loves you many many even though you're starting to dislike bobo la okay.

lao niang signing a name there to let everyone know. (including the ones below the sand)

sister/brother with her thunder thighs and i-don't-know-what drawing.

PRETTY LOH. it's just so relaxing to sit by the edge and listen to the waves crashing, excluding the noisy kids.

don't believe me? ask lau lau aka my grandma!

daddy throwing pebbles whenever he's at the beaches, always trying to hao lian to me cause i don't inherit that part of gene.

why is she/he so happy??

:O la bi xiao xin!

the day ended pretty late cause we headed down to my cousin's house for some wedding cake thingy at hougang and went back home.

--

lessons were getting more and more dry and boring; and only half the class turned up, with one leaving at 1130 when she arrived at 1030.
luckily no-lifers jerine and amy is meeting up for dinner @ xin wang; the service sucked totally cause the waitresses and waiters were mostly china chinese. their english sucked as well. wah lau.
the day was pretty terrible for me cause it's just sooo boring. luckily ty and cheng hoon came by to visit me in class and i did a little sneaky window shopping while waiting for them.

im pretty tempted to buy the yellow top; cause i liked it alot!
i'm looking for a similar shorts too; where can i get it :/.

a little sneak peek of what we ate..

--

sunday was a really hectic day for me; slogging my ass off till 11, and encountered a massive traffic jam that even blocked the entrance of the CTE from town.
luckily i was on bike and managed to squeeze through the massive jam.
pictures were really blur, but hope you can roughly see the difference!

during jam

after jam. the road usually should look like this. but ah well. the jam was really bad due to a major accident that totally squashed the car boot to nothing.

by the way, i heard RP SHL's director designed this.... weird-looking bear.

tell me, how is this like a bear???

alright. a very long post indeed. HAPPY READING! tmr will be a pretty busy yet boring day for me, need to send lim ding dong to die. FYI, majority of us haven't seen him for more than half a year.

oh well!

anyway, shall act inspiring for a moment by having this quote of the day.
"it doesn't matter how tall or how slim you are. what matters is whether you LOOKED tall or slim or not."
hmmmm.

hi people!

live has been really terrible for me.

going back to work isn't making things any better for me. what a cheap labour they treated me as.

i'll update some random things on tuesday, promise.

as for now, i need to sleep badly. it's 2.38am now and i need to wake up by 7.45am. URGH

anyway, happy events are coming into my life soon! :D:D

my highly anticipated outings and what not. WEEE!

peektures to be coming soon! ((:

ps: bobby toong, you still owe me my shopping spree!!

pps: claudia chew, when are you free?! when can i get to meet you man!

ppps: GIRLS, I'M SEEING YOU ALL SOON :D

pppps: why is my face so squarish and non-female like? sads. *pouts*

come on xueying. i know you can do it.

you just need the determination you always had when you wanted to do the things you liked.

so go and find it!

don't let your life rot just like that.

decide the things you want for yourself; not because of anyone, but you.

it's time to live for yourself and not for anyone!

make new friends, go hunting for new adventures, change your styles, change your mindset, change everything!

don't always live in your own comfort zone, always learn to breakthrough!

you may have lost many friends, but god is always equal right? they will, WILL give you something in equivalence!

so don't lose hope just because you feel that everything comes crashing down.

all you need is a helping hand and a strong heart to move on.

a helping hand might not be there always, but i believe, it's always mind over matters, like what hee chai always said.

if your mind is strong enough, you will get through this tide.

trust me, babe. i know you will.

with love,

xoxo